Are just harder than others. All our days are difficult. That goes without saying. Most days we just survive until bed time.
Others are completely unbearable. Everything is overwhelming and my ability to handle anything, is just gone. I mean anything. Some mornings I can’t even remember to make my coffee or get breakfast for Aspen. So she just eats popcorn. Those are the days where we can barely get out of bed. My only motivation to be remotely functional are the needs of my family.
On the worst days, I say worst because none of them are good, just varying degrees of painful. On the worst days, everything makes me cry. And my patience with Aspen is minimal. I try not to take out my anger and sadness on her. It certainly isn’t her fault or her grief to bear. But on those days, I often cannot control it. The misery just spews out of me like water out of a hose.
If it wasn’t for Steve, every day would be like that. Somehow he reminds me to pull back, take a break and breathe. I barely breathe these days. Sometimes I catch myself not breathing, or holding my breath, and have to remind myself to take a deep breath in. Like my body has just shut down.
Some days, I think to myself, we will make it. Other days, I ask myself how are we ever going to get through this. But I know we can and we will because we have to. Aspen needs us. Losing Vail shouldn't mean that Aspen loses us too. She deserves more from life than that.
And so we go on. Get out of bed each day and try to be present in the moment.
Every day sucks. Some days are just harder than others.